Formulaic thoughts.

As I imagine many of you heard, Chad Butler, aged 33, died today. He was better known as Pimp C, or "that other dude with Bun B in UGK."

Robert sent me an e-mail today, I had to do a double-triple-take. The subject read "PIMP C IS DEAD." I was totally baffled and confused. I was hoping it was a joke I was missing or something, but a quick check of music blogs showed that he was, in fact, dead.

Fuck.

Ever since I was a pretty young kid, I always enjoyed rap. I was 10 or 11, that first real music buying age, during the rise of the G Funk Era. So I always had a soft spot in my heart for the rap of that era. Being young and angry in my adolescence, I listened to lots of heavy music. As I grew up, I got hooked on college radio, and kinda fell into totally strange pop, punk, and other sorts of strange music. Somewhere in here someone played New Kingdom for me, and I totally loved it. It was scuzzy, and great, and it was RAP. I was shocked I could love rap so much.

Once I hit my 20s, I was introduced to DefJux and all sorts of other wild left of the dial rap. For some reason or another, in a sort of probably-not-the-normal-way-of-things, this sparked my interest in more mainstream hip hop. It started fairly small, but kind of spun out of control after really loving Hell Hath No Fury and The Inspiration last year. Particularly, that Young Jeezy album pushed me to search out more southern rap (mind you, this is in great part Robert's fault, so I suppose it was fitting he sent me that e-mail today).

As I listened to more and more of these albums (and best of all, on the newest Dizzee Rascal album), I heard more and more guest spots from UGK, and was like "if these boys can spit this hard on guest spots, I bet I'd enjoy their albums a lot." I checked out Ridin' Dirty and was pretty impressed. The beats were like nothing I'd ever heard before, the raps were as tight as the guest spots, but for some reason it didn't grab me a whole lot at first. Maybe because the production wasn't as clean as some of this newer stuff (which, I mean, is 11 years later), maybe because it was more laid back. I liked it but I didn't love it.

Fast forward to this summer when UGK dropped Underground Kingz. There wasn't a really huge summer rap album I had my sights set on, but I planned on checking out the new UGK because it had all sorts of guests I liked and I figured it could be pretty good. Even better, though. It was awesome. From the opening lines of "Swishas & Dosha," my mouth was agape. I was listening to an absolute banger. Pretty much the entire first disc was unbelievably fantastic rap music. The album kind of weakened once I got the second disc, but oh my god, what was good was amazingly good, and I was super into it. So, of course, I went back to Ridin' Dirty.

This time, was a totally different story. I was eating up every second of the album. While the beats were pretty laid back, it was obvious how hungry they were. Listening more closely to the lyrics, mixed in with the stories of dealing drugs and riding slab were interesting commentaries on what was going on in the streets.

Man, I'm a kid from a small city. I've never been in the trap. I don't have a lot of money, I drive a Civic, and I really can't relate to a lot of what UGK rapped about. But for some reason this shit all reverberated so much with me. And I devoured every bit of UGK I could listen to. Between Pimp's production & hooks and the raps which took pieces of every kind of rap I loved, I was almost overwhelmed. Ever since I've listened to UGK almost every day. Super Tight and Ridin' Dirty have been banging in the deck in my new car for months now. It's the winter, and I usually slow down my rap intake after the summer. But I listen to UGK every day.

As much as I love Bun B, my favorite part of UGK is Pimp C. Well, was I suppose. His nasal flow grated on me at first, but I fell in love with the way he'd flip a beat. How he'd go to a double time cadence at the drop of a hat. How he would rap with bravado about his sexual prowess, then immediately afterwards spit a line that would make me pause and think about what he was saying. I love his production, the way he sings a hook. Pimp C was rapidly ascending my list of favorite emcees. In addition to loving UGK albums, I also spent a lot of time listening to Pimp's two solo records which are similarly great. He kind of condensed almost everything I like about different styles of hip hop into one person. UGK condenses most of those things into one group.

And I skipped seeing them this summer.

I'm probably getting rambly. I'm kind of broken up, though. This surprises me, because I've never really felt a whole lot when I've heard about stuff happening to celebrities. I vividly remember Eazy E, Notorious B.I.G., 2Pac, and others dying and not feeling a whole lot. But I didn't really like most of them nearly as much as I liked Pimp.

So, rest in peace Sweet Jones, Tony Snow, Percy Mack, Pimp C. Even though I probably wasn't who your raps were aimed at, I love them. They've gotten me through dozens of bad days at work, long sad drives, getting myself jacked up to go out, working out... I'll miss you, Chad. I, too, hope there's a heaven up there for you. I hope you're up there riding in a candy slab with Screw.

UGK 4 Life. R.I.P.

Unfortunately, I'm not writing about the brilliant Racebannon singles/rarities collection. No, I'm talking about what, to me, is the scariest thing in the universe. Those things in our lives which are inevitable. Almost nothing is inevitable, no matter how much we can try to convince ourselves otherwise. I'd once done a pretty good job convincing myself I was destined to be alone forever. Uh, whoops. I was only off by about 600 miles on that one. But there is absolutely one thing that is inevitable for all of us, even moreso that buying a record we later regret, or finding a food that turns your stomach like no other, or a chest-wrenching pregnancy scare.

Death.

One of my favorite pieces of literature ever is Oedipus Rex. It deals very heavily in fate. And while Oedipus tries so very hard to escape his fate, he finds himself falling into it. Man's fate, or curse as I see it I guess, is death. We can live the most wonderful life or a miserable life and we all pretty much end up with the same end. And that scares the bejesus out of me.

I kind of thrive and survive in life by reminding myself there's wiggle room. It's also how I have made a number of blunders regarding my education, but that's beside the point. But with death there isn't. It's right there in front of me. Maybe fifty years in front of me, maybe ninety, but there it is staring at me. And I'm going to have cash in someday. And it's not something I can experience more than once, or prepare for. I can't really read about it because a) I would being to hyperventilate and b) well, you don't really get to talk about your death.

This looming spectre can eat away at my thoughts, at my heart, and just make me so frightened. In the situation I'm in in my life now, with an unbelievable woman who I love very dearly who I get to spend the rest of forever with, a great group of friends, and desires for who I want me to be finally coming into focus... it makes it that much scarier. I don't want to lose all that. I've fought so fucking hard to get here...

So I get scared. So I curl up and hide myself. So I try to think about other things. And it doesn't help. But mostly... I just don't know how to talk about it. So I'm trying. This is me trying. I need to to let myself totally live. It's there and I have to accept that, and I just need to not let it consume me.

This is a start. A macabre start, but a start nonetheless.

What would you define as naivete? I think we've all got our shining moments of being naive. I think that mine would most definitely be the faith I put in people sometimes. I'm a pretty cynical dude, but shit, I'd like to think that everyone would just try to be half decent to one another. Maybe it's just because it seems so logical to me? If we all pull a little bit of the weight it's going to be a hell of a lot easier for everyone than pushing the weight to the select few who will go that extra bit to help out their fellow man (or woman, I don't want to be accused of being a sexist or something).

This applies in so many situations it's ridiculous. And I far too frequently find myself on the short end of that stick. Does it make me somehow bad because I notice and care about this? I genuinely just want to get what I give. I don't really surround myself with friends because I find that most people won't give that back. The people who are in my life, they have, and they've kind of earned that place.

Whatever, maybe I'm babbling. I assume it's all the caffeine, and the 12 hour work day that I just put in. Maybe I just don't make sense.

I just, I guess, I just want to know where you can draw a line, to give up your kindness, or naivete, to survive emotionally. It's almost impossible.

That's fucked up.

It's been a whirlwind the last couple of days. Yesterday I worked in the morning, headed to Minneapolis in the afternoon, saw Ween in the evening, slept, woke up, drove home, and then went to work this afternoon. I'm just kinda regaining my balance and getting my relax on. I have a couple pictures I find sort of amusing that I do want to share, though:

So, this morning when I filled up gas, this is where I went. I just saw the Conoco sign and pulled in. I turned into the parking lot and was immediately amused. Do you suppose this was once the French Valu Center? God bless America and our freedom to misspell words in order to better sell products. Buy buy buy!

This also amused me. I'd put my camera away and had to BRING IT BACK OUT to capture this gem. Now, I'm as big a proponent of alternative fuels as you'll find. This just is such a confusing barrage of numbers and figures that I find it hilarious. Obviously if it's 85% ethanol it'll be at least 70%. Maybe if it's only 70% ethananol,  this is why the cost savings isn't nearly as high as it really should be.

Gas went up again today. I love it. Cost in the futures market increases, not the actual cost of making the fuel. But hey, better make a buck, right? They just reporded earnings, I was sickened. Tank of gas costs me half a day's wages. I imagine my yearly wages are daily wages for some of those fucks.

I stayed with Cory last night, dude's living in high society. I think if I just post this picture you can tell what a fancy area he lives in. This is what's across from the gas station. What the hell, that looks nicer than most parts of Fargo. I dunno, I was just amused and wanted to take a picture.

I was feeling lazy, but I think I'll post some pictures I took last night too:

Check out how swanky the State Theatre is. I was there when I saw the Mr. Show tour in 2002, it's a pretty great place, though I've always felt odd there. It just seems like a fairly, uh, high class place for a band who wrote the song "Put the Coke on My Dick." Just sayin'. And then, uh, here's a bunch of pictures of them rocking my fucking face off:

I liked how the lighting turned out in these pictures. I did what I could from where I was, but I dunno, I think they look pretty cool still!

I wish that my camera was good enough to capture the faces that Deaner makes from afar, because they are absolutely priceless.

Most of pictures turned out like shit, but I like these ones. I was really far away.

Not all was totally awesome, though. My DS lite decided that it was time to take a big ol' shit:

No more Ouendan for me for a while. I'm going to have to call Nintendo and get that thing replaced real fast like. I miss playing Brain Age already! Yeah I'm a big nerd, so sue me.

And I think that's probably the end of my first blog totally aided by photographs. I've officially entered modern times.

Tonight, I decided that I wanted to go to a movie. I had to make a choice between Miami Vice and Clerks 2 (again). Phill wanted to go out, and I told him we'd go grab some dinner and see a movie. He was lukewarm on Vice, but I said I'd pay either way. We ended up going to Clerks, mostly due to time issues. We were an hour from the next show of Vice, 20 minutes from Clerks.

We arrived at the theatre, and Phill wanted to have a cigarette before the movie. We stood out in front of the theatre, and carried one of our typical (for us), irreverent conversations. While we were there, this Scion xB comes rollin' up. I'm sort of obsessed with this vehicle. I think it's kind of great-- instead of making it look like some sort of futuristic tampon applicator (not unlike the Scion xA or any other number of current hatches), they just said "fuck it, we're going to make this car one dope box!" And I think it totally succeeds. But, personal opinion aside, this wasn't just any xB. I totally recognized this one.

"HOLY SHIT!" I yelled. "It's the fuckin' PIMP MY RIDE DUDE!" I rememer this black, slammed xB, with flame decals, a enormous spoiler, and some phat rims. It was mostly given away by the California license plates, truth be told. I don't know what the deal was, I remember watching the episode and being amused enough that he was from Fargo (he'd just moved to LA when the show was filmed), but it was even more hilarious to see this riduclously pimped out car rolling into the theatre parking lot.

Now, you see, I love cars, but there's a point where too much is too much. This is kind of why I love Pimp My Ride, because it just goes so far over the top with reckless abandon ("check it out dude, we put a fireplace in your hatch!"). It makes for amusing television, but it would be completely undesirable for an automobile I owned. This is a pretty "tame" pimping for the show, but still, it looks pretty out of control compared to most fo the "tuned" cars around here. At least it looked better than a debadged, slammed Cavalier.

So anyway, Phill and I kind of went back and forth on deciding if it was him. He was convinced, me not so much. We stood next to him in line in the theatre, and that totally convinced Phill. I had to check it out when I came home, though, and sure enough, I was standing right next to this dude tonight. Now, who wants to fucking touch me?